But, the same ones over and over again? C'mon there's just got to be some give here! Sometimes I think I am too naive for my own good and trust and believe in people without really knowing who they are truly. Why is it that God makes us that way, you know, trusting of people when many of them can hurt us, physically, mentally, emotionally, even spiritually. But still we trust, we want to believe in the good, because really there are some that are good. And, sometimes believe good in and of some that are not so good for us.
Maybe I'm talking off kilter here, but when I hurt inside, I write, journal, just to relieve the pain that I hold onto so dearly; afraid that it will hurt more if anyone would find out once it was out. And, then once it was out, the judgement of feeling that way. At the same time, that judgement I worry about receiving from others, I bestow upon myself in a much harsher way. Why do I say the things I do, why did I react that way, what if I said this or that instead, what if I reacted that way instead of this...why, why, why? It's a constant conversation I carry on with myself day to day. Am I quirky, sure, colorful, maybe...weird, well that's yet to be determined. :) But, only I get to decide what and who I am, and all but accept the nature of it based upon the judgement I deem necessary on myself, no matter the pain I went through to place myself in that position.
I believe that one day I will get to look back on all of these moments in my life and have an understanding, to grasp a full understanding of who I was (am) on this earth.
Does this fully explain who I am, or what I'm going through? No. I wonder though, how deep does it sound? How much should I share without releasing the pain? There just isn't a way. But, someone who will listen, and accept me the way that I am? I'm still waiting for that person. Maybe they're lost, just as I am in this moment of time, looking to find themselves, just as I am. And, maybe if we met halfway? Would it be worth it? I'm afraid. But, what can I do? It's all just a paradox, or a cube inside a cube inside a cube inside a cube. Aren't you even curious to open it up to see what's inside? Honestly, after sharing all of that, it's not as complicated, "ME", as you think! I'm really rather simple.
Now, to change course and jump into my life leaving behind my colorful trail so I can find a way back, realizing how important each moment in my life was! I am truly grateful and blessed to be where I've been, where I am now, and where I am yet to go. I believe in that, and I believe in myself! Smiling as I close this, my first blog, satisfied with the woman I am, the woman I've become! :)
