God IS Absolutely Amazing!

For so long I've waited for this day to come! You walked into my life at just the right time and out of the blue! I really had no idea it would be YOU! I'm excited, humbled, grateful, and completely in awe of the work the Lord has done with my prayers I've prayed for so very, very long now. You are perfect to me. And, I imagine what life will be like now that I have you in it to share with me! I quite honestly never thought this could be possible. So, I guess shame on me for losing faith and choosing not to believe it to be possible anymore; until now that it just happened. Now, I can only pray that I can hold onto you, and you can hold onto me through the process of learning all the in's and out's of each other, the fabric of our life experiences spent so many years apart before we found each other again. I know there are reasons for God's perfect timing; and how it has been so difficult to patiently wait for you. He knew exactly what I needed when He gave me you. And, I hope it to be the same for you.
You will probably never really know how way down in the depth of my very heart and soul I have held this place for you, this place that no one else has come close to touching yet. I have always kept that place guarded for the perfect person and the perfect timing. We'll see how this goes now. At least you have brought me back my faith and belief in knowing that anything can be possible, even when we do stray from believing that such things can happen. I am still completely floored to the point as if I am in the most pleasant dream that I never want to wake up from! I pray that this is REAL, and that I will soon be able to touch your face with my own hand and gaze upon you with my own eyes! How beautiful you are to me, both inside and out! I really believe you are and will continue to be so worth my wait! Thank you for coming back into my life, right when and where I needed you to be and where I hope you will remain and belong! All my love to you, my dearest one!

I Wish....

I wish I could say, and do things the right way. I wish I would act and react the way a normal person should. But, sometimes my hypersensitivity gets in the way. Sometimes, it's a blessing, and sometimes I think it could be a curse. And, other times, I wish I could just throw it right out the window along with all of the other feelings that I have a hard time dealing with. **Sigh** But, I can't. This is who I am, this is how I am, and I have to deal with myself according to that, no matter how difficult I find myself to be. Make sense? Or, are you lost?
Okay, big deep breath! Breathe in......breathe out........and, now to set some goals, make sure they're attainable, and press on full speed ahead!! First, to discipline myself by preparing a schedule of meals for an entire week every Sunday. Second, set up an exercise plan, which would include running, walking, aerobics, and if I can stand it, some Pilates, and STICK TO IT!! I think everything else will hopefully, prayerfully, longingly, fall into place the way it should. I just want to feel good about myself again.
My other main goal is to be completely financially sound by the end of this year! Alright, 2010, here we go. :) I would absolutely LOVE to buy a house within the next few years, seeing as I have yet to do that (as a first time home buyer) in my life. That gives me hope, and keeps me excited!! Oh, the possibilities! Hmmmm.....
I want to be a free spirit once again, to have a totally open mind to all kinds of possibilities and even things I may not have ever thought about before!
I want to help other people. I want to have a purpose! I want to belong to myself, and be happy with who I am, where I'm at, and where I'm going.
I want to go back to college! I want to learn how to oil paint on canvas! I want to learn how to play the acoustic guitar, write music, write lyrics, and be able to sing my heart out until I'm content in who I am! Oh, how I long for the possibilities, yet again!! :O) I want to smile from ear to ear, to laugh from my belly, to hug those that need hugs, to feed those that don't have food, to clothe those that can't afford clothing! So many possibilities. Wow! I can't believe I've put all of this to paper (so to speak, and I know of course it's really typewritten on a blog on a computer on the internet)! Hehe But, I want to make a difference in people's lives. I know only then will I feel fulfilled in who I am, and where I belong. So, here I go!! It may be a long journey ahead, but I think I'm up for it. How could life be anymore challenging than the past few years? It can't, right? It's been an uphill climb up to here. So, now I want to slide down that hill, feet first, skating even, maybe, and smiling the whole way!! Yeeeehhaaawwww!! This will definitely be an exciting ride! And, I don't think I want to hang on for this one! I just want to soar, and soar high above, where I've not been before. I just want to experience something new!
Oh, Lord, please guide me through! I pray for your help!!! I know with You by my side, I can do anything! My heart longs for that peace!! So, Thank You for this life.

THE TRIALS ARE WORTH THE SMILES AFTERWARDS!! :O)

This Feeling Inside

This is such a beautiful, comforting, happiness abounding, safe place to be! I would trade it for nothing more in the world! You hold me captivated in your embrace each time I have a chance to wrap my arms around you. Just for those few split seconds I experience the warm feeling of being lost in a moment of time where I feel I belong. I continue to pray, longing for more moments such as these with you. This feeling, which I cannot fully explain because it's overwhelming in depth, has me bound to a deep satisfaction in who I am, when I'm with and even when I'm without you. It is a feeling that makes me smile from the inside out, and I cannot erase it from my entire being, this beam of complete fulfillment! It is wonderful, and at the same time a bit of fearfulness that the contentment could possibly get lost, and knowing that if that happens, I would never dare to adventure into that realm again, the one where I hope. So, for now, I am just enjoying every minute I have to share in your company. The magnetism is so strong, that I wait for the very next time I will hear your voice, oooh that sweet sound. :) It is so soothing, and I remember it clearly in my mind as I replay what you've shared with me, and also fantasizing about what has not yet been spoken . Those thoughts linger in my mind day to day, and there are those words that are just dying to make it to the surface, exposed for you to hear and hopefully fully comprehend and accept. It's that place of simple wonder, wondering if you feel the way I feel, and thinking the way I think, and vice versa. I wonder if I feel the way you feel, and whether I think the way you think. Only time will reveal the truth. And, that truth is what I long to find out. What will that day bring once that truth shows itself? I pray that it is nothing but gracious good for each of us, as I believe it's more than time for something good to come out of a life we both (hopefully both) have longed for but have had no previous luck in finding. But, maybe it's fate that brings us to this place. I have always been skeptical about fate. If it were to work out that fate's hand is in this, I will definitely be a true believer after this long, excruciating wait of patience that is deafening to my soul!! I do want to believe in the possibility though. Even if for right now, it is ever so slight. Because for how simple this is, there is a complex story behind that simplicity. I just want to say what I mean to say, and hopefully you hear what you long to hear, and believe what we both so long to believe in our hearts, that it will be true with no underlying pretenses to be found anywhere - EVER! Please help me to believe, as I'd like to help you believe the same from me. Hopefully, we're almost there. We shall wait and see. And, for now, longing for your touch to gently caress my weary soul to the very depth of my being, which makes me shiver with delight to the point where the light leaves my body through my eyes as if a wonderful story has been told that leaves us both feeling we're at the exact place we both belong, wrapped up in each other, and feeling assured when we're apart. You are the reason I smile, and (you are) one of the very best things that God has brought into my life. For I am beginning to see the things that I have lost and now found, and things I have not yet seen in anyone else before, that I see in you, which pleases me to the point of a cheerful tearing of emotion. Thank you for everything that you are, and everything that you still long to be. I am so grateful for you. And, that brings peace to my heart, including the smile that I cannot seem to rid myself of. :)

Would You?

Would you dance with me if I asked you to dance? Would you fly with me if I asked you to fly? Would you whisper to me if I asked you to speak? Would you? I'd really love to know. Am I clever, am I too nice, am I serenity wrapped up in glorious robes of wondrous delight? What I wouldn't give to be something wonderful to you, for you, and with you! I believe it will happen, I believe there are still unbelievable dreams of what's to come that will portray the end result of what will be. I just believe!! So, would you sail away with me if I asked you to sail? Would you dream with me if I asked you to take a chance, to dream the most wonderful dream that would be among your wildest imagination? What if you dared? What if you trusted? Would you care to try? My heart so longs to go to these places with you, to bring such meaningful pleasures to a life less than ordinary into one so overwhelmingly glorious and full of happiness only one can begin to only dream of! YOU are my dream, you are my reality, "YOU" are the one and only one, that place I long to go to and with, to learn, to experience, to love with. If only I could trust my heart to guide me through, to show me hope, faith, and love once more....to trust that your heart is like mine, that longs for those experiences that you have never dared to experience before. Can I trust you? Will you stay? Or will you go....and if you go, where will you go? I pray and pray and pray....that you will not go, that you will not leave. I want my heart to trust again. I want to be able to trust in you so deeply that I would never question you at all...ever! So, come sail away with me. It's a beautiful day, a wondrous life, a pleasant peaceful, comfortable place for us to be. Just look at the possibilities of where we can and will go someday. Would you believe? Would you continue to care? Why would you think of anything but the laughter, the happiness, the love, and what comes to life in everything I am asking you? Please believe in me, as I believe in you, and let's try this adventure out once again without regard to anything coming in harm's way! Would you try? For me....please try. Because for now, I can only hope, pray and have unconditional faith to believe that you will, and through the will of your own accord, stay! You just have no idea how I'd love for you to, so would you?

Just Lovin' It!

So I had sinus sugery done on the 15th of September. At first, afterwards, I was like, why in the heck did I get this done again?? There was so much pain, and congestion. But, as time passed, I realized, this is the best thing I've ever done, besides having my son!!! It is so awesome to breathe again, and to smell!! And, the headaches have all but disappeared!! If anyone ever asks, the surgery is so worth it! They also straightened my nose through my septum, which makes me feel better about my face, since that was one of my insecurities.
The doctor and nurses were wonderful the day of the surgery. And, my Dad stayed with me through the whole thing, including taking me home, and staying with me for a few days at my house. But, the silly person I am, I can't sit still for my life (of course, unless I'm under general anesthesia. hahaha), and kept seeing things that needed to get done around the house. So, my Dad didn't want to stay after 2 days if I was going to be up and about doing my thing when I should have been resting! Anyways, it all turned out good! I am healthier than ever, I think. All except the fact that I want to get back to exercising, which I will have to wait to see the doc on Wednesday for an all clear to head back to my normal activities. I'm overjoyed though, that this worked. I've been completely miserable over the years with so many allergies and sinus infections! I hope and pray that this will alleviate a lot of that over the coming months and years!! Thank God for science sometimes! :)

A Beautiful, Starry Night

Sitting out on my back porch, looking up into the star-lit sky, there is a gentle breeze that has the scent of fall approaching on it. Oh, how I love these days! It makes me long for the most serene places of quietness, joyfulness, and calmness. Just to think about it, puts a pleasant smile on my face. I can only dream of the far off places I would like to travel to. My imagination will be enough...for now. But, one day, I will make it, even if I make it alone. I am just happy to be alive, to know that I am loved, and have the most wonderful, closest of friends and family!! :) So many places, so many people to visit, and so little time left before I am called home. So to enjoy the ride whilst I'm here, including the exciting adventure that awaits! For I think I will pack up soon, and begin this long awaited journey, where I will travel into the abyss of what fairy tales are made of, but also to make reality of. To swing from a rope on a tree into a silvery lined lake in the moonlight. Is the water cool to touch, in the heat that brings tiny droplets of moisture to our skin? It's a pleasant feeling of completeness that nothing or no one can take from you. Then, to take a rocket to the nearest planet and all the beautifully sparkling stars, to experience what no other has experienced before. To see all the different, dull and bright hues of color and every color in between. We'll just float by, guiding our journey to wherever it is we want to go, and to be. How I long for that! And, how I long for the companion at my side who will smile just for sheer happiness of experiencing the unknown, and I will gently caress the lines of his face with the tips of my fingers. To cup the side of his face in the palm of my hand. Oh, how exciting each day will be to learn new things, to close our eyes and feel the breeze on our face, with our hair gently flowing behind on the wind, and arms outstretched wide to welcome whatever it is to come, and accepting of what will be in this very moment in time. Just believe!! I'm already there!! And, happily longing for more!! :o) What a beautiful adventure, this thing called life!

Everyone makes mistakes...

But, the same ones over and over again? C'mon there's just got to be some give here! Sometimes I think I am too naive for my own good and trust and believe in people without really knowing who they are truly. Why is it that God makes us that way, you know, trusting of people when many of them can hurt us, physically, mentally, emotionally, even spiritually. But still we trust, we want to believe in the good, because really there are some that are good. And, sometimes believe good in and of some that are not so good for us.
Maybe I'm talking off kilter here, but when I hurt inside, I write, journal, just to relieve the pain that I hold onto so dearly; afraid that it will hurt more if anyone would find out once it was out. And, then once it was out, the judgement of feeling that way. At the same time, that judgement I worry about receiving from others, I bestow upon myself in a much harsher way. Why do I say the things I do, why did I react that way, what if I said this or that instead, what if I reacted that way instead of this...why, why, why? It's a constant conversation I carry on with myself day to day. Am I quirky, sure, colorful, maybe...weird, well that's yet to be determined. :) But, only I get to decide what and who I am, and all but accept the nature of it based upon the judgement I deem necessary on myself, no matter the pain I went through to place myself in that position.
I believe that one day I will get to look back on all of these moments in my life and have an understanding, to grasp a full understanding of who I was (am) on this earth.
Does this fully explain who I am, or what I'm going through? No. I wonder though, how deep does it sound? How much should I share without releasing the pain? There just isn't a way. But, someone who will listen, and accept me the way that I am? I'm still waiting for that person. Maybe they're lost, just as I am in this moment of time, looking to find themselves, just as I am. And, maybe if we met halfway? Would it be worth it? I'm afraid. But, what can I do? It's all just a paradox, or a cube inside a cube inside a cube inside a cube. Aren't you even curious to open it up to see what's inside? Honestly, after sharing all of that, it's not as complicated, "ME", as you think! I'm really rather simple.
Now, to change course and jump into my life leaving behind my colorful trail so I can find a way back, realizing how important each moment in my life was! I am truly grateful and blessed to be where I've been, where I am now, and where I am yet to go. I believe in that, and I believe in myself! Smiling as I close this, my first blog, satisfied with the woman I am, the woman I've become! :)